In a Dark Night . . .

TO HAVE a hope and no regrets

To have given everything

And know it is nothing

To be secure in not knowing

Assured of your own calling

To take the burden lightly

That was beyond bearing

And know, one was unworthy

Of any of these:

A moon path in a dark night

That always led to you:

A star that was always there

Where you stood

                                            * 

THE PETALS open out to receive the light

It is another part within the flower, which can

Travel onward into seed to perpetuate life

The assimilation of light into life, in yet another

I had experienced that my heart torn asunder
Could carry my mind’s

Every finding further and deeper

And that it wasn’t necessary

For the outer parts of it to understand

In order to meet with the central thing

Derive delight and light in the inward part

Lifting the glory of love’s lessons there

Which taught life and gave me seed

For making me littler  

For the littler I was the lighter I became

And the lighter I became the happier I was

Which wasn’t by more but by less *                               

                                                  *

                                               * The Ragged Writings of Everland; Volume One

NEW BOOK on schizophrenia available . . .

DIVIDED ASUNDER
The Saga of a Gifted Illness; Unlocking the Mystery of Schizophrenia

                                                                   
The following extract is from the FOREWORD to this book:

"THIS BOOK IS MADE of bits and pieces of my ’trying-to-reach-people-writings:’ because a chronological, clinical-style account of my lived-experience of schizophrenia, alone, would not bring to light the complete picture of how this illness affects the whole of a person’s life. Everything one does is born of how one thinks. So different bits of writings which reveal one’s nature and actions might help to form a better picture . . . a complete picture. Like an artist, painting with an array of different coloured paints with different shaped brushes, smooths in the whole of a landscape. He needs to make it understandable. So he needs the contrast of light and dark. Because without it there would be no painting; there would be nothing to see! For if it were all one shade of one colour, there would be no meaningful picture! Nothing to differentiate one thing from another! And so, the different parts of this book are the different shapes and shades of the landscape of my life showing the lengths and depths and heights of the schism of schizophrenia.

  Now I can use . . . the opposite metaphor . . . to better describe the diverse nature of this book, and show that it can be likened to a kaleidoscope . . . made of the many-coloured, shattered glass shards of a person’s heart, which, when gathered up and glued together form the whole picture of a broken life . . . and the complete paradox of a logic defying truth: . . . a person torn by illness and divided asunder, split, in order to be made whole. Hurt and healed, through the gift of illness.

   And so, in this book you will find bits of letters; which were never replied to. Slices of explanations; which nobody read, though I wrote them to help people understand my illness. Pieces of Everland Cipher-Script writings; which no one translated, in which I encoded some of my more complex thoughts. And a few portions of my early calligraphic artwork; that few have seen which illustrate my three volumes of poetry. Plus, segments from my books of short stories; which, amazingly, were loved by those few, who bothered read them. The book contains only the bare minimum of these things: for too much hides the joy in just enough. (I have written other books; and for those who might like to know, more, the digital manuscripts of these books can be accessed online through my blog.)

   If I seem to have gotten nowhere with the written bits and pieces of me, why then do I write? Why do I never give up trying to communicate the things of my heart when there is no response? I don’t know. But it is in me, to write. I cannot give up. I trust that my work has a purpose, even when I cannot see what that is, and a place where it belongs, even when I do not know where that might be.

   It is my hope that through its diversity this book will bring a clear picture of an extraordinary lived-experience of schizophrenia . . . and show, too, that the further dimensions of mind and heart, which enrich life, are made possible through the gift in this illness . . . where light is seen in darkness: love in every void . . . and where even the most awful things are found to contain treasure and the gift which made one, gifted."

                                                                        

                                                  

                                                          *

  

A Gifted Illness...?

How could any illness be a gift?

Let alone the suffering

in true schizophrenia: 

the deep fear and pain

of seeing-oneself-seeing-oneself:

in the raw utterly exposed

to God utterly exposed to one’s self?

A Gift...?

             *

This book reveals the long-searched-for mystery in schizophrenia